Greg: Yeah.
Dharma: You know what my favorite part was?
Greg: The part where you yelled, "this is my favorite part"?
Dharma: No. The part right after that.
Greg: Dharma?
Dharma: Hmm?
Greg: What are they doing?
Dharma: Watching their new dad.
Greg: The whole time?
Dharma: Since the git-go. I think they're real proud of you.
Greg: All right, show's over. Move along. You ready to call it a night?
Dharma: I'm beat. Come on.
Greg: Thought we were going to sleep?
Dharma: We are, but not here.
Greg: Uhh!
Dharma: Hey, Greg, what do you think we would have done If we hadn't run off and gotten married?
Greg: I don't know. Had a second date?
Dharma: Well, you know what? I'm glad we went for it Because now every moment with you Is like waah! Surprise.
Greg: I know what you mean. Are we gonna sleep up here every night?
Dharma: Don't be silly. Only when it's a full moon.
Greg: Ah! The full moon, of course. You don't turn into anything unpleasant, do you?
Dharma: What? Is that supposed to be a joke?
Greg: Yeah.
Dharma: Well, it's not funny. Wouldn't it be trippy if I was really like that?
Greg: Yeah. Extremely trippy.
Dharma; Unh! Ooh!
Greg: What?
Dharma: We should have a party to celebrate getting married.
Greg: Dharma, we can never tell anyone about this marriage, ever.
Dharma: What?
Greg: Wouldn't it be trippy if I was really like that?
Dharma: That's not funny.
Greg: It's not?
Dharma: Got you again. God, you suck at this game. So what do you think? We could have a party right up here. We could have a band, and we could have a couple of kegs. We could invite our parents, And they could meet each other. Wouldn't that be great?
Greg: Ha ha ha! You're still playing the game, aren't you?
Dharma: No. I'm serious. It'd be fun. Ask your folks.
Greg: I really don't think it's a good idea.
Dharma: Would ya at least think about it?
Greg: I'll think about it.
Dharma: So you gonna ask 'em?
Greg: First thing in the morning.
Dharma: I love you so much.
Greg: I love you, too.
Dharma: Mmm!
Greg: Dharma?
Dharma: Yeah?
Greg: It's starting to rain. We're not gonna sleep in the rain, are we?
Dharma: No, silly. You don't sleep in the rain. You make love in the rain.
Greg: Ahh...
What if there's lightning?
Dharma: Then you get to be on top.
[Runs blender]
[Stops blender]
[Pulses blender]
[Pulses blender to rev like a motorcycle]
Jane: We're back.
Dharma: Hey! Thanks for walking the boys. How'd it go?
Jane: Well, Stinky will walk Nunzio, But he won't clean up after him.
Dharma: Stinky, you wanted your own dog, But you don't want the responsibility, do you?
Greg: Uh...Morning!
Dharma: Morning, honey. Remember Jane?
Greg: Hello, Jane.
Jane: Eh, lightnin' rod.
Greg: Dharma... Do we tell Jane everything?
Dharma: Just the really cute stuff.
Jane: "I love Dharma's elbows and her little bitty tootsies." I'm sorry. That wasn't you.
Dharma: I made you a breakfast smoothie.
Greg: Oh, I--I usually just have a couple of eggs and juice.
Dharma: It's in there.
[Telephone rings]
Greg: Oh, uh, that's me.
Jane: Hi. If you're 18 and have a credit card, Get ready to get sweaty With San Francisco's hottest---
Greg: Thank you. Hello. Oh, hello, mother.
Dharma: Ask her about the party.
Kitty: Gregory, darling, your father and I spoke to the lawyer, And he has drawn up the most wonderful little affidavit Stating that you were intoxicated when you got married. Sign it, and we can put this whole unfortunate incident behind us.
Greg: Mother says hi.
Dharma: Hi, mom.
Jane: So are you gonna have a big party?
Dharma: Oh, you know what I was thinking? We could have a big wedding parade through the streets, Like they do in Europe.
Jane: Cool. I know a guy who dresses up like a clown and walks around on stilts.
Dharma: Really? Do you think he'd do it?
Jane: I don't know. He doesn't like it when people look at him.
Greg: No, no, mother. It's just a small party, very casual.
Kitty: Gregory, the day that I celebrate this misbegotten marriage Is the day that I... Ride a goat to k-mart.
Dharma: Is she coming?
Greg: Uh, she's just, um, uh... Trying to clear a date. Um, ok. Mother, why don't you call me then? Uh-huh. Ok. Bye.
Dharma: So they're coming?
Greg: Uh, well, mother's kind of busy.
Dharma: Oh, well, we can just do it when she's not busy.
Greg: Well, she might be busy for a while.
Dharma: She hates me.
Greg: She doesn't hate you.
Jane: Who hates you?
Dharma: Greg's mom.
Greg: She doesn't hate you. She just needs to get to know you.
Jane: She hates you.
Greg: What does it matter how she feels?
Dharma: Oh, my god! She does hate me! She thinks I'm this big blonde goofball, Messing up her son's life.
Greg: Dharma, listen, all you have to do is give her some time. That's all.
Dharma: So you think if she really gets to know me, she'll like me?
Greg: Absolutely.
Dharma: So, in a way, it was Greg's idea that I'm here.
Kitty: Huh. Remind me to thank him.
Dharma: So I'm thinking you and me spend the day together and get to know each other.
Kitty: Dharma--oh, my goodness. It's time for my tennis lesson. I'm so sorry. I must run.
Dharma: Oh, great! I love tennis! Well, not to play... Or watch. I'm just really glad it's out there.
Dharma: Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
Dharma: Most embarrassing moment. You go first. Ok, I'll go first. Um...So I'm 12 years old when I find out people actually eat meat.
Kitty: Ha! How embarrassing.
Dharma: No that's not it. It gets worse. So I figure, I gotta try it, right? So I go down to the tasty-freeze,
And I buy this enormous cheeseburger. And I am snarfing it down out back by the dumpster, and guess who drives by?
Kitty: I can't even imagine.
Dharma: Come on, guess.
Kitty: I--uh--the meat police.
Dharma: Well, my mom, so, good guess. I was so busted. And then, the very next day, I got my first period, So now, in my mind, Those 2 things are somehow tied together.
Kitty: All right, all right, all right. Game's over, game's over!
Dharma: Ok, so you don't like me yet, but one day, in the future, you're gonna like me. And you're gonna feel really bad about not having come to my party. So how about this: Come to my party as a favor to your future self. See, it's the kind of thing that the you you're going to be will want to have done for the me that I am now.
Kitty's friend #1: So she actually served tap water?
Kitty: Mmm, she put a lemon wedge in it, but I could still smell the chlorine. I smelled it.
Oh, please, it gets worse. After the soup was served, I looked out, I see 7 settings of silver...For a 6-course meal. I said, "oh, my god. This meal is going to be over, There's going to be a fork just sitting there."
All: Ha ha! Oh!
Kitty: Oh! Anyway, so I thought--
Dharma: Boy, you drive fast! Listen, just in case you change your mind, I thought you should have our address.
Kitty: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
Dharma: Sure.
Kitty friend #2: Well-- kitty? Aren't you going to introduce us to your friend?
Dharma: Oh, hi. I'm Dharma, Dharma Montgomery.
All: Hi. Hi.
Kitty friend #1: Montgomery. Are you related?
Dharma: Well, yeah. I married Greg.
Kitty: Oh, god.
Kitty friend #2: Greg got married!
Kitty friend #2: Come here, honey, sit right down over here.
Kitty friend #1: So, when were you going to tell us?
Dharma: Well that's what the party's for.
Kitty friend #1: Party?
Kitty friend #2: Party?
Kitty: Well, Dharma, You have just let the cat out of the bag. It was supposed to be this wonderful surprise. We were going to have a big reception and announce it right here at the country club.
Dharma: Since when?
Kitty: Dharma, we have talked about it forever.
Dharma: Well, we talk about so many things. We're very close, you know.
Kitty: And you know we got that way?
Dharma: How?
Kitty: Dharma wanted so to be friends, And we tried playing tennis together, And we tried Going to the spa, And what finally won my heart Is when Dharma turned to me and said, "Kitty, You plan my plan my wedding party.
Dharma: That's what it took?
Kitty: Mm...Hmm.
Both Friends: Isn't that sweet? Isn't that sweet?
Kitty: Very sweet.
Dharma: Ah, I can't help it. She's such a lovebug.
Kitty: It will be formal-- formal, of course. Dining, dancing, 16-piece orchestra.
Dharma: Oh, you know, with 18-piece, you get cole slaw and a free drink.
Kitty: Hah! Ha ha ha! Cut it out. Anyway, I do need some help choosing a florist--
Kitty friend #1: Stefan is excellent.
Kitty: Oh, god, no. No, no, no. Absolutely. No, he is...he used daisies at the Turnberry wedding.
Kitty friend #2: I think that's dreadful. I...
Dharma: Sss-sss-sss. Mrs. Turnberry... Ha ha! Made ya look.
Greg: Don't worry. I'll talk to her.
Dharma: Oh, yeah, yeah. You can't talk to her, Greg. She's like possessed. ["Society" accent] did you hear?! Stefan used daisies at the Turnberry wedding.
Greg: Dharma, I'm going to have to ask you not to imitate my mother right before we go to bed.
Dharma: Aaauuggh! Auugh! All I wanted was this really fun party on my roof, and now it has turned into this humongo country club thing. She wants a minister to redo our vows. What is that?
Greg: I don't know, but have you ever thought it might be kind of nice?
Dharma: Nice?!
Greg: Yeah. I mean... I love that we eloped. It was the most wonderful, spontaneous thing I've ever done in my life, But I feel like maybe we missed out on something, you know? Standing up in front of all of our friends and relatives and saying, "This is the person I'm going to spend the rest of life with." There's something kind of nice about that.
Dharma: [Giggles] awwwww...
Greg: Am I just a big old girl?
Dharma: Yeah. But you're my big old girl.
[Squealing]
Jane: Hey, good news. He'll do it.
Dharma: Change of plans. The party's now going to be at Greg's country club.
Jane: Cool. [Looking into hallway at clown on stilts] We're gonna have to get you a tie. [Stamps foot]
Larry: Give me one good reason I'd attend a wedding reception at some fascist country club run by a bunch of morally bankrupt fat-cat republicans who care more about capital gains than starving children.
Greg: Free valet parking?
Abby: Calm down, Larry. It is just a party.
Dharma: He acted this way when I wanted to be a Girl Scout.
Larry: It's a paramilitary organization with cookies.
Dharma...Talk to me. Was I such a bad parent? Is that why you feel a need to rebel?
Dharma: I'm not rebelling, Larry.
Larry: Come on. First you run off and marry a U.S. Attorney. Now there's the big country club wedding. Next thing you know... She'll get a social security number.
Dharma: I got one.
Larry: What?! Why?!
Dharma: I opened a checking account.
Larry: Are you insane?! You're on the grid now. They can find you anywhere.
Greg: Who's "they"?
Larry: You.
Abby: You know, maybe it would be a good idea to take a moment And all join hands and center ourselves.
Larry: I don't want to center myself. I want to be right here where I am-- On the edge, the perimeter,
The borderline that divides us from those who would enslave us and have us run their machines!
Abby: Oh, man, We should never have had this conversation with mars in retrograde.
Dharma: I'll go talk to him.
Greg: No. Let me.
Dharma: I don't understand! Why can't people know that this party's supposed to be about us?
Abby: I know it. I know. Aw, Dharma. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna write a wedding song just about you and Greg.
Dharma: Thanks, Abby, yeah.
Abby: I figure it'll be a really nice way for people to hear How my dulcimer lessons are coming along.
[Knocking]
Greg: Mr. Finkelstein?
Larry: Yeah.
Greg: What are you growing?
Larry: Oregano.
Greg: Oregano?
Larry: Yeah. Oregano.
Greg: Whatever. That's not why I'm here.
Larry: It's oregano.
Greg: Fine. Uh, look, Mr. Finkelstein, I know my parents are kind of taking this whole thing over.
Larry: Look, you can smell it if you want.
Greg: No, I don't want. I, uh, just wanted to come out here and say That I'm very sorry about all this, But if you and Abby don't come to the party--
Larry: Hey, Abby does her thing, I do my thing. We're not feeble-minded zombies chained to the oar of some patriarchal galley ship destined for yesterday.
Greg: Ok. I can dig that. My point is, if you don't come to the party, Dharma's gonna be really hurt.
Larry: Look, Greg, The last thing in the world I want to do Is upset my daughter. But there's absolutely no way I can attend a party like that.
Greg: Ok. What kind of party could you attend?
Kitty: What do you mean, he wants the waiters to eat with us?
Dharma: Well, my dad just feels Like they should celebrate, too.
Greg: And, uh, he doesn't want them to wear uniforms.
Edward: Oh, good lord! Then they're just guests!
Kitty: Gregory, this is completely unacceptable.
Greg: Hold on, hold on, I think I can get Mr. Finkelstein to agree to the uniforms If you were open to, say, a small, tasteful... Gong ceremony.
Kitty: Small, tasteful what?
Dharma: Gong ceremony. You know, how everyone goes gong, gongg, gonggg!
Dharma: You know, like at Christmas.
Greg: Like at Christmas.
Larry: An orchestra? What happened to the Edgar winter band?
Dharma: Larry, we traded them for yin-yang butter patties.
Larry: What? When did we do that?
Abby: 30 Seconds ago, Larry.
Greg: Have some more oregano, Mr. Finkelstein.
Larry: You know, I grow oregano.
Abby: You know, listen, we're cool with the orchestra as long as each guest is still bringing in a canned food item for the poor.
Dharma: Oh, um...
Abby, Greg's parents weren't real keen on that. Whoa, Dharma! What kind of people are these? I mean, sorry, but... Jeez, next thing you know, You're gonna be telling me they're serving veal!
Dharma: God! No, they would never do that.
Greg: No, no.
Kitty: Oh, good god! Just tell them it's chicken.
Abby: Free-range chicken?
Kitty: Who cares?
Abby: We do.
Edward: Oh, bull squirt! Who's paying for this?
Larry: Fine, throw that in my face.
Kitty: Don't talk about money. It's vulgar.
Larry: No that's ok. I'm the father of the bride. I'll pay for this shindig. What's it gonna cost?
Edward: $40,000.
Larry: Really. Well, you can probably use it as a write-off.
Abby: You know, we could save some money if we had it, like, outside. I was thinking in a beautiful park, Maybe with a renaissance theme.
Kitty: And perhaps I could find a maypole and...Hang myself.
Larry: Hey. Tell your old lady not to talk to her that way.
Kitty: Tell your husband I'm not an old lady.
Abby: He's not my husband.
Kitty: Oh, my god! What--what am I going to put on the invitations?
Larry: How about Abby O'Neill and Larry Finkelstein?
[All talking at once]
Edward: Will somebody please tell me what a maypole costs?
[Greg whistles "halt"]
Dharma: That's it!
[Silence]
Dharma: Here's what we are going to do: The ceremony will be at the country club...
Kitty: Thank you.
Dharma: With a macrobiotic buffet.
Abby: Yes!
Greg: The men will wear tuxedos...
Edward: Very good.
Dharma: Or...Formal dashikis.
Larry: Right on.
Dharma: Any further details, disputes, or points of contention Will be arbitrated by the bride and groom, to wit, Greg and myself. And anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my shiny white bridal heinie.
Greg: Are we clear?!
All: Yes. Clear. Fine.
Dharma: Good.
Abby: Ahh...
Greg: Abby.
Abby: What about the cleansing ceremony?
Kitty: What is a cleansing ceremony?
Larry: The, um, bride and groom have to bathe in fresh water... before they get dressed and take their vows.
Abby: So maybe we could use one of those little ponds that they have on the golf course?
Edward: You can't just go bathe in a water hazard.
Larry: Why not?
Kitty: Because it's absurd.
Abby: What's absurd is having a union of souls without first purifying the spirit.
Edward: So, you people are just complete weirdo's, is that it?
Dharma: Yeowwww!
Greg: Yeah!
Dharma: Ohh! Do you believe them?
Greg: Not really.
Dharma: Ohh... Promise me something.
Greg: Anything.
Dharma: When we have babies... We will never tell any of those people.
Greg: It's a deal.
Dharma: It was so close.
Greg: I know. Then your mother had to come up with that flaky cleansing ceremony.
Dharma: Flaky?
Greg: Bad choice of words. It's, um... Oh, come on, It's flaky.
Dharma: That is so close-minded.
Greg: Oh, come on, Dharma! I went with the batik cummerbunds! I went with the organic Carrot cake!
Dharma: Carob! Car...Ob!
Greg: Whatever. But I'm not flopping around naked in a water hazard in front of the entire staff of the U.S. Attorney's office.
Dharma: Ohh! But I'm supposed to parade out in my big poufy white dress in front of all of my lesbian friends from Berkeley?!
Greg: Well, maybe we should just call the whole thing off!
Dharma: Fine! Yeah, maybe we should! Ok, let's make up.
Greg: What?
Dharma: I'm done arguing. Let's make up.
Greg: But we haven't resolved anything. Nobody won.
Dharma: Good point. You win.
Greg: But you can't just do that.
Dharma: Ok, I win.
Greg: No, you don't.
Dharma: Boy, you really love to argue, don't you?
Greg: I do not.
Dharma: Then stop it.
Greg: But we're not done yet.
Dharma: Yes, we are.
Greg: No, we're not.
Dharma: I love you.
Greg: What?
Dharma: I...Love...You.
Greg: Oh, man, you really don't play by the rules, do you?
Dharma: Nope.
Greg: I love you, too.
Dharma: Say you'll do the cleansing ceremony?
Greg: Not in this lifetime.
Dharma: Ok, but you said that last lifetime.
Greg: Hey, it's raining.
Dharma: Want to go inside?
Greg: You don't go inside when it rains. You make love when it rains.
Dharma: Who told you that?
Greg: Some big blonde goofball.
Dharma: Shut up!
Greg: No, you shut up.
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