dharma greg 1-3 transcript

"Shower the People You Love With Love" Original Airdate: 10/8/97

DHARMA: Shh! Shh! My parents don't know you're with me in my tent in the backyard. We have to be very, very quiet.

GREG: Wait, I thought this was an army tent.

DHARMA: Oh, right. I forgot.

DHARMA: Sergeant Greg, I know our love is wrong...but I can't help myself. Kiss me. On the double.

GREG: Where exactly would that be, Captain?



DHARMA: Aah! Aah!

[Knock on door]

DHARMA: I'll get it, I'll get it!

GREG: Dharma!

DHARMA: Aah! Aah! Superman! Ahh!

BRIAN: Hey.

DHARMA: Hi.

BRIAN: Am I...Early?

DHARMA: For what?

BRIAN: Um, we had a date.

DHARMA: Oh! Right! I forgot to call you.

BRIAN: Uh-huh.

DHARMA: I got married.

BRIAN: M-m-married?

DHARMA: That's my husband Greg.



GREG: Hi.

BRIAN: Don't get up.

GREG: Wasn't planning on it.

BRIAN: Uh, I'm sorry, man, I, uh, I wouldn't have asked her out if I knew she was engaged.

DHARMA: Oh, no, we weren't engaged. I just met Greg-- what was it, honey, last Friday?

GREG: Yeah, last Friday.

BRIAN: I met you Thursday.

GREG: You snooze, you lose.

OPENING CREDITS AND THEME

DHARMA: Are you sure? "Dog eat dog world"?

GREG: Absolutely. That's the expression.

DHARMA: Come on. It's not...a "doggie dog world"?

GREG: No, it's not.

DHARMA: Ready?

GREG: Clear.

DHARMA: I mean, it doesn't make any sense to me. Have you ever even seen a dog eat another dog?



GREG: Ready?

DHARMA: Clear.

GREG: No, but it's still a dog eat dog world. It means the world's a tough place, it's every man for himself, it's kill or be killed.

DHARMA: What do killer bees have to do with it?

GREG: Aah!

DHARMA: Aah! Oh!

DHARMA: Mmm...Ready?

GREG: Dharma, this isn't going to work.

DHARMA: Sure it is, you'll toughen up.

GREG: No, I mean the whole bath thing.



GREG: I need a shower so I can stand up and wash myself in the right order.

DHARMA: You have an order for washing your body?

GREG: Yeah. I mean it's basically top to bottom, and then you double back for the-- it's not important.

DHARMA: Ah, that's the same order you use for everything, isn't it?

JANE: Hey, Dharma.

DHARMA: Hey, Jane.

GREG: Uh, Jane?

JANE: Oh, sorry. Hi, Greg. I thought it over.



JANE: I decided I'll be your maid of honor.

DHARMA: Rock 'n roll. Right!

GREG: Hello!

JANE: I said hello. So, what do I gotta do?

DHARMA: You gotta wear a really heinous dress.

JANE: Cool. I've got a butt-ugly green one.

DHARMA: Too late, Greg's mom already got you a butt-ugly purple one.

GREG: All right, that's it. I give up. Everybody gets to see Greg naked!



JANE: I've gotta warn you, I grew up around horses.

DHARMA: I think he wants us to leave.

JANE: But he said everybody--

DHARMA: I know, but he also says "dog eat dog world".

JANE: Dog eat dog?

DHARMA: No, it's doggie dog.

DHARMA: Hey, what are you doing today?

JANE: Gonna hang out at fisherman's wharf, give tourists bad directions. Why?

DHARMA: Well, Greg's playing golf with his dad and my dad.

JANE: That sounds like a bad idea.



DHARMA: I know. But, I want to surprise him and put in a shower while he's gone. You want to help?

JANE: I don't know.

DHARMA: It means a trip to the hardware store.

JANE: Well...

DHARMA: We can use our phony English accents.

JANE: London or Liverpool?

DHARMA: I say, guv'nor, 'ave you any 'ammers or brass 'inges? It's for me 'ouse.

JANE: [Cockney accent] alrighty, then. But this time, I'm the 'umpback, and I'm...



JANE: [Yelling] 'ard of 'earing!

DHARMA: [Cockney accent] what?

JANE: I said, I'm 'ard of 'earing!

DHARMA: 'Ello, 'usband!

GREG: Hello, deaf cockney hunchbacks.



EDWARD: I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

GREG: Dad, he's my father-in-law. We've got this big wedding reception coming up. We're all going to have to learn to be civil to each other.



EDWARD: Of course I'll be civil to the man. Old hippie buffoon.

GREG: Ok, great. Now, when he gets here, think "old hippie buffoon," but say "Larry."

PETE: Hey, Greg.

GREG: Hey, Pete.

PETE: Hey, Mr. M. So I hear we're playing with Jerry Garcia today, huh?

EDWARD: Who's Jerry Garcia?

PETE: Oh, this is going to be fun.

GREG: Pete, you're going to have to help me with these guys.



PETE: If you recall, I tried to help you. I said, "do not do this."

LARRY: Man, this is a truly righteous country club you got here.

EDWARD: Thank you...Larry.

LARRY: Of course, if you Republicans have your way on immigration, you'll be parking your own cars.

GREG: Mr. Finkelstein, I'd like you to meet my friend from work--Pete.

LARRY: Another lawyer. Better put my wallet in my front pocket.



EDWARD: That's very amusing... Larry.

GREG: I wonder if I have time to take a shower before we tee off?

EDWARD: No, no, no, you do not have time to take a shower. Why didn't you do it at home?

GREG: Dharma's place doesn't have a shower. I had to take a bath.

LARRY: What's wrong with a bath?

EDWARD: Well, for one thing, he can't wash himself in the proper order.

LARRY: Gee, I always preferred a bath. It's very soothing.



LARRY: A little sea salt, some oil...

EDWARD: Add a carrot and a chicken neck, and you've got soup...Larry.

PETE: It's going well. They're exchanging recipes.

EDWARD: Son, why don't you and Dharma get an apartment with a shower?

GREG: I can't ask Dharma to move. She loves the place. She practically built it herself.

EDWARD: Yeah, you're right. You don't want to get in any big emotional discussions.



EDWARD: Why don't you just make up some, I don't know, medical reason you won't live there.

LARRY: You want him to lie to my daughter?

EDWARD: It's not a lie if it's for the greater good.

LARRY: Oh, where have we heard that before?

EDWARD: What are you talking about?

LARRY: A little place called Vietnam, my friend.

PETE: Hey, who would have seen that coming, huh?

EDWARD: What do you know about Vietnam?



EDWARD: You weren't even there.

LARRY: I know it wasn't about communism. It was about Mr. Corporate America finding a place to sell their sody-pop and tobacky!

PETE: And next, we put clubs in their hands.

GREG: Thanks...Pete.



DHARMA: All right, boys... Mommy's going to the hardware store. So, remember the rules. Play nice with each other.

Stinky, don't open the door for anyone, and Nunzio, stay out of the liquor cabinet.



DHARMA: You remember what happened last time.

[Telephone rings]

DHARMA: Ugh! Hello?

KITTY: Dharma, dear, it's Kitty Montgomery, Gregory's mother.

DHARMA: It's Kitty Montgomery, Gregory's mother.

JANE: Oh, that Kitty Montgomery.

KITTY: Dharma, for some reason the dressmaker insists she needs to see the wedding gown on you. Could you be a dove and hop by?

DHARMA: You know what? I'd love to, but my maid of honor and I are just out the door trying to get stuff for our shower.



KITTY: You're having a shower?

DHARMA: Yeah!

KITTY: When?

DHARMA: Well, we're hoping today.

KITTY: Today? Well, you just can't do it like that. I mean, how are people supposed to know about it?

DHARMA: I just figured they'd open the door, and bam! There it would be.

[Kitty Sighs]

KITTY: Oh, you...unusual girl. Is your mother going to help you?



DHARMA: Yeah, she read up on it in one of those Time-Life books.

KITTY: Oh, my god. Well, I--I'll be over right after lunch, and I'll show you what to do.

DHARMA: Great! Thanks so much. We'll see you then. Bye.

JANE: [Cockney accent] Kitty-Montgomery-Gregory's-mother is coming over?

DHARMA: Yeah, she's going to help us with the shower.

JANE: Why?

DHARMA: I don't know. She's probably one of those rich ladies who's into plumbing.



JANE: What?

DHARMA: [Yelling] I said, she's probably one of those rich ladies who's into plumbing!

JANE: Oh!



EDWARD: They started it by attacking a peaceful vessel in the Gulf of Tokin.

LARRY: Oh, please. The Gulf of Tokin incident was invented to win over Congress.

EDWARD: We were responding to attacks on our servicemen.

GREG: Pete, I'm, uh, thinking of killing myself with a golf club. Any suggestions?



PETE: Your first instinct would be to go with a 3 wood, maybe even a driver, but that might bounce right off the skull.

GREG: Really?

PETE: Yeah. Instead, consider a short iron, maybe a pitching wedge. That will split the skull, lodge right in the brain.

GREG: A wedge it is.

LARRY: I'll have you know, I was in Canada--



EDWARD: You were in Canada because you didn't have guts enough to put on a uniform and fight.

LARRY: Are you calling me a coward?

EDWARD: I'm just saying that all of your pacifism is just a bunch of hokum.

LARRY: How can you call me a coward when you don't even have the courage to just come out and call me a coward?

GREG: Ok, everyone's a coward.



GREG: Let's go find our balls.



DHARMA: Yeah!

JANE: It's out of the box!Whoo! Girls rule!

ABBY: Yay!

KITTY: All right, I brought invitation samples from my printer--please, pick something simple. My caterer has prepared a choice of

hors d'oeuvres, and, needless to say, the right hors d'oeuvres make the bridal shower. Oh, my god.



KITTY: It's a shower shower!

DHARMA: Ain't she a peach! Whooo! Aaah!



LARRY: All I'm saying is, if the cause had been just, I could have gone into Vietnam and done exactly what you did.

EDWARD: Are you saying you could have been a Green Beret?

LARRY: Absolutely!

GREG: That's it! I've been listening to this long enough. I cannot believe that my father and my father-in-law don't have the decency to

at least pretend to get along for one lousy afternoon.



EDWARD: You couldn't be a Green Beret at a Halloween party.

GREG: Come on, Pete.

PETE: Aren't you even going to hit? Ooh, you got all of that one.

GREG: Get in the cart.

EDWARD: All right, you're in the Mekong Delta, V.C. Everywhere. Your only chance of survival is diving into a rice paddy and holding

your breath for 4 minutes.



LARRY: 4 Minutes?

[Takes several deep breaths]

LARRY: Piece of cake.



DHARMA: Aw, don't worry, Kitty. A lot of words have 2 meanings. Like if we had said, "Kitty, get over here--and fast."

Do we mean, "and hurry," or do we mean, "Kitty, get over here and don't eat for a long time"?



ABBY: And I love these little cucumber sandwiches.

JANE: Really? I vote for the cheese things.

KITTY: There is no vote because there is no shower!

ABBY: Um, Kitty, would you like maybe something to drink, or--I just juiced some cabbage.

KITTY: No, thank you. Actually, I, uh, I have to go. I have, uh...to go.



KITTY: Dharma, I'm sure I'm going to regret asking this, but why are you installing a shower?

DHARMA: Don't got one.

ABBY: Yeah, but she does have the bathtub from our old place in Half Moon Bay. I gave birth to her in that tub.

KITTY: And that's where Gregory bathes?

JANE: Yup. Seen it with my own eyes.

KITTY: Why do you people live like this?

DHARMA: 'Cause you can't camp on the beach anymore. Besides, Kitty, I love it here.



DHARMA: I mean, I did all of this work myself. Did you know this used to be a battery factory?

KITTY: Aha! And to your credit, you've nearly disguised that fact.

DHARMA: Thanks. I just wish once I get this shower installed, that Greg'll feel more at home.

KITTY: So you're doing this for Gregory?

DHARMA: Yeah. I want him to feel totally comfortable.

KITTY: Dharma, if you will indulge me in a brief outing,



KITTY: I believe I can show you how to make Gregory comfortable.

DHARMA: Anybody in for an outing?

ABBY: Sure.

JANE: Oh, man, don't eat the beige ones!



LARRY: Eh! Yah!

EDWARD: What the hell did you do that for?

LARRY: No reason. It's called psychological warfare, my friend. And now, this soldier is in your head. I own you.



EDWARD: You're out of your mind!

LARRY: Maybe. Maybe not. Spooky, huh?

EDWARD: That's not soldiering. We're talking about actual combat. I'm talking about creeping up on the enemy and taking him out.

LARRY: Ok. You see that foursome over there?

EDWARD: Yeah.

LARRY: You see the fat guy with the bad rug?

EDWARD: Oh, it's Dick Lawrence. He's a cardiologist.



EDWARD: Hey, Dick!

LARRY: Right now, he's "charlie." And that beaver pelt on his head is going home in a bag.

EDWARD: No, you lunatic! He's on the membership committee!

LARRY: What's the matter? Afraid I'm going to beat you at your own game?

EDWARD: My game does not include attacking a man who may be blowing up balloons in my heart one day!



LARRY: And that kind of namby-pamby attitude is exactly why you guys lost over there.

EDWARD: All right, that's it. We'll settle this thing once and for all. Get in the cart, Ms. Fonda.



DHARMA: Oh, I don't know, Kitty, do you really see me living in a ritzy-titzy place like this?



KITTY: No... But let's use our imagination. You come home from work, you're exhausted, you're in dire need of pampering,

and you open your door to...this.

DHARMA: Wowwww....Is what you would say if you liked this kind of thing.

ABBY: Well, I mean, you're right, Dharma, this isn't you.

DHARMA: No.



KITTY: However, the jacuzzi tub beckons.

JANE: [Cockney accent] Jacuzzi?! Just the thing to soothe me tired hump.

KITTY: Or if the jacuzzi is occupied, then you can step into your fully appointed gourmet kitchen, whisk open your ridiculously large sub-zero refrigerator, remove a perfectly chilled bottle of vintage...

DHARMA: Papaya juice?



KITTY: All right.

ABBY: Well, there are some lovely things here, certainly, but, gosh, Dharma, don't you think it's a little cold?

KITTY: No, no, no, no, no, she will not be cold, not when she is nestled in front of her Italian marble fireplace, sipping...Cocoa

and gazing at...the harvest moon.

DHARMA: Ah ha ha! Skylight!

ABBY: You know, Dharma, living this far above Mother Earth can permanently misalign your chakras.



DHARMA: That's true. When your chakras are messed up, your chi just goes "whaa!"

KITTY: Well, I certainly can't argue with that. But there are certain advantages to this elevation.

DHARMA: Dharma home.



GREG: Man, I miss having a shower.

PETE: Hey, sorry for peeking in on you. I got a little worried after you were in there for half an hour.



GREG: Ah, that's all right.

PETE: You got a nice ass.

GREG: Thanks for noticing.

PETE: Here's a wacky idea: Why don't we stop by a hardware store on our way home, pick up a shower and install it in your apartment?

GREG: You know how to do that?

PETE: I worked my way through law school as a plumber's assistant. That's why I know a lot about plumbing and very little about law.

GREG: You know, you could have mentioned this earlier.

PETE: Sue me.



PETE: You'd probably win. So, shall we just go or should we wait around for Samson and Delirious?

GREG: Let's just go. They're two middle-aged men. What's the worst thing they could be doing?

[Edward and Larry are in a plane about to skydive]

EDWARD: Want to back out?

LARRY: You think I'm scared? Hell, you're talking to a man who watched "Fantasia" 3 Times without a buddy.

EDWARD: What?

LARRY: You're not the only one who has flashbacks, pal.



PETE: Ok. Bring it in. Tilt it down. Oh, we got stairs, we got stairs.



PETE: Careful on the step.

GREG: All right.

PETE: All right. Put it down. Plant it.

GREG: What is that?

PETE: Well, I can't be certain, but, uh...it's either a shower or a writ of habeas corpus.



DHARMA: Aah! I can't believe I'm gonna l-l-live here! Uhh! Aah! I have to get so much more stuff to fill this place up!

KITTY: Oh, and that, my dear child,



KITTY: Is why god created shopping.

DHARMA: Ja!

KITTY: N'est-ce pas?

JANE: Whoo hoo! Riding the jet stream!

KITTY: Excuse me. I'm going to get your friend out of the jacuzzi while it still respects her.

DHARMA: This place is huge! Hi!

ABBY: Hi.

DHARMA: Oh, upset.

ABBY: No, Dharma. I just want to make sure you're not falling under the influence of someone who-- how do I put this non-judgmentally...



ABBY: May be evil.

DHARMA: You know what, Abby...I'm not doing this because of Kitty. I really, really, really want to live here. And I know Greg would.

ABBY: Oh...Ok, ok. Then I hope that you're both very happy here.

DHARMA: Thank you! Hey, you know what?

ABBY: What?

DHARMA: Come here. You can help me decorate.

ABBY: Well, I suppose some tapestries would warm the place up.



DHARMA: Definitely.

ABBY: And every place that she tells you to put an ottoman, put a beanbag chair.

DHARMA: You got it. Hey, do you think I can barbecue in that?



PILOT: Guys, I got about 2 minutes of fuel left. If you're going to jump, it's now or never!

LARRY: You know, even if we both jump...What's it really going to prove?

EDWARD: Excellent point. Why don't we go back to the clubhouse and see who can drink more?



LARRY: You're on. But I got to warn you, I had my blood replaced in '74, and I'm not afraid to do it again.



DHARMA: Greg!

GREG: In here!

DHARMA: I have killer news! I saw the most ama--

GREG: I know. Can you believe we had exactly the same idea?

DHARMA: Huh?

GREG: Huh?

GREG: I did the, uh, caulking and the knobs and ran the pipes-- well, Pete helped a little.



DHARMA: Wow! That must have been a lot of work.

GREG: No, it was great! Now I understand why you love this place so much. I mean, I've always lived in those sterile, modern apartments,

where everything's just there and perfect.

DHARMA: Ugh! Yeah. Those perfect places.

GREG: But this place, you have to get in there and put your sweat and your blood in it--

DHARMA: Did you cut yourself?

GREG: Yes! Several times!



GREG: But it's ok, because I live in a place where I walk up steps you built, and you shower in a shower I built--

Oh, by the way, hot means cold and cold means hot. Anyway, Dharma, thank you. Thank you for sharing this with me.

This is the first place I've ever lived that feels like home.

DHARMA: I love it when you just come out and say all that gooby stuff.

GREG: So, what's your good news?



DHARMA: Um, a guy at Al's hardware thought Jane and I were really English.

GREG: That is good news.

DHARMA: [Cockney accent] "hey, 'usband, "What say we go down to the hardware store and get us a Jacuzzi?"

GREG: 'Appy to.